can we get nightvision for the apartment?
is wine microwaveable?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
