So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
