The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
