seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
