i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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