Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Mom said you looked used
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
