Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
