You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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