How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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