I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
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