Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
