He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
