So drunk its hurt
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I have aggressive nipples.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
