The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize