In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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