Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
