my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I met the friendliest cop last night
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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