Don't make out with my wife yet
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
