I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i would punch a child for taco bell
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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