Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
