im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Randomize
