I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
