Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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