I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
