I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
