I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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