I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My ATM looks so different sober.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
