Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
