i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize