i just wanna soil my oats bro
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Randomize
