I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
