did you get engaged???
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
