I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
