She's JV to your varsity
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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