Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
