she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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