Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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