He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
