Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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