she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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