I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
