My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
