did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
