ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
