the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
