The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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