Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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