apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
