I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
