Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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