Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize