cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
