dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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