My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
