I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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