There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
