I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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