I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
