Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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