Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
