Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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