I could make wine with my vomit
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
